Grandparenting "how to be a fun grandparent"

Ian Grant

Many of my happiest childhood memories are of my ‘Da’; my Grandad. One vivid memory is when I was quarantined with scarlet fever at age five, at the Trentham racecourse in Upper Hutt. Somehow my Da managed to get past the ‘powers that be’ and visited me in the grandstand every Sunday afternoon with a bag of bananas. He biked all the way from Lower Hutt and I’ll never know how he got into that security conscious place. In some ways he was a loveable rogue, but to me my Da was a dream-maker. He inspired me as a little boy and because of him, I wanted to be a fun Grandad.

Being a grandparent has been one of the major joys of my life. The sort of unconditional love that I have felt for my little grandsons, and the unconditional love that they have shown me, has been a gift to me. Nothing in my book beats the whispered voices very early in the morning, with little noses a hairsbreadth from your face, consulting, “Are they awake? – Mummy said we have to wait until they’re awake!”

It is a magical experience to receive a phone call from a grandchild who knows he has a special place in your heart. The ‘angel’ voice on the end of the phone with the adorable lisp and slightly upper crust accent belies the sometimes-feisty pre-schooler, whose latest antic or foible has just been recounted by his mother. This child is our grandchild and we are in love with him as we are with the other four little grandsons and that means that we see them through special lenses. You see this little boy reminds us so much of his mother as a young child. The adorable but quixotic child with a sensitive heart, who was either incredibly sad or incredibly happy; the child with many sides to her personality, but who from the time she could talk had used the phrase "Don't make me feel bad about myself." So this spirited, yet sensitive child feels familiar to us and we hope that maybe we will be a safe haven for him over the years as he learns to know himself and grow to be the person he was born to be. You see the difference about being a grandparent from a parent, is that you have a different role. And you are able to plan in some way what that role will be.

These days grandparents don’t always have the luxury of being the slow-paced, time-rich ideal such as generations past have enjoyed. The grandmother, who always had time to bake with you, to pick berries from her garden and to shell peas with you may not be as common as she once was, but even if we have a busy lifestyle, we can make decisions to be proactive and to be involved. Memories are made of the little things and the celebration of who each child is. Every child is subconsciously asking the question, “Who am I? Do I matter? And “Am I valued and important?” You can be part of that reassurance. It is grandparents who know how important it is to slide down the grassy side of a hill on a cardboard box and who allow you to jump on the big pile of sawdust or hay. It is grandparents who put a bow in your hair even when there are no visitors coming and who bring you a bouquet of flowers for your playhouse table, or give you breakfast in bed with toast cut into shapes. And grandparents know how important the family stories told to children about the past, are in giving roots and wings to the next generation.

So what can grandparents do to stay involved with their grandchildren? Well our grandchildren are still young, but we do want to be proactive and significant in their lives. So here are some ideas:

1. Teach Them Things

When grandchildren come to visit, don’t just entertain them, involve them in some things that interest you, too. We plan special outings with our grandsons - but we also involve them in the things we love to do. I love my workshop and tools and this is what I enjoy doing with my little grandsons. I have more time and patience when setting them up to do “building” with all the gear for their own projects, than in the past. Each have their own set of tools for when they come to visit, and a builders apron with their name on it, made by Grandma. From the time he was verbal Sam’s line when anything was broken, “Chieffie will fix it,” has became a catch call even if it was a dead bird delivered to the door by the neighbour’s cat!

Get to know the World of your Grandchildren

We determined that our place would be a fun place for our grandchildren. We wanted them to have special memories, special toys, favourite books and favourite games, but being a grandparent has meant so much more to us.

For whom else would you give up half a night’s sleep sharing your bed with a three-year-old who periodically turns over banging his Buzz Lightyear toy, which screams “This is an intergalactic emergency!” - Only for a grandchild! Yet who would miss that early morning chat as the natural-born philosopher wakes up and tells you his latest musings on what God looks like or what he did at kindy this week. Get to know the world of your grandchild. Begin conversations that focus on shared experiences and stories. I love telling stories, as practicing accents and animal voices was a way to avoid stuttering, when I was a young man. So I tell the grandchildren stories about the jungle and there are always animals in there, with the names of the little boys who are listening. When each of their names comes up they have to make the appropriate sound for their animal. Recently, after one such story, the three-year-old ordered, “Now I will tell you a story.” He waited until we were seated and attentive before, like a professional raconteur, he told us a story about dinosaurs and space ships and adventures, which luckily, ended happily ever after!

Who would miss overhearing him re-reading the book you have just read to him? “And Gramps said goodnight Sammy I love you and Sammy said goodnight Granddad I love you too. The end.” Currently our grandsons are all living overseas, so I have made a CD of my favourite songs for them to play in the car– and we are reading the Narnia books at the same time as the six-year-old is reading them with his Dad, in Shanghai.

2. Celebrate Your Grandchildren

Make the most of celebrations. Birthdays ,Easters and Christmases can be important highlights. As well as presents and food, on these occasions, ensure that you create a memory. We still enjoy the memory of Christmas Day two-years ago when four little boys arrived at our place with their presents and their excitement. The treasure hunt and then the family concert after dinner, is a memory we will always have. Each little boy after a personalised introduction was cheered and clapped before they performed their item. Two-year-old Jonty, full of personality and charm, discovered the ‘stage’ that day. Having caught on to the fact that an introduction received big applause, he reintroduced himself between every item. “I Jonty and I two and a half!” He joined in as support group to his big brother’s rendition of Scooby Doo, and took centre-stage whenever there was a pause in the proceedings!

Turn even the mundane into a celebration. For instance “The broccoli-eating championships of the world”, with Granddad as master of ceremonies on the ‘virtual’ microphone, has been known to divert food-battles at an extended family meal.

3. Watch television together or listen to music

Our big grandson who is now six, plays soccer, can swim like a fish and race around his CD roms on the computer. He is learning two languages, uses big words and has a wonderful sense of humour. I love to watch a video or television programme with Joshua, as he explains stuff to me! I imagine, as he grows older this experience will become more challenging. Hopefully there will be an opportunity to learn from him, from his more up-to date knowledge base and his keen mind. But watching television can also be an excellent way to learn about the impressions, understanding and values of grandchildren. By asking questions, grandparents can motivate a child to imagine what is unseen and to express a perspective about the future. “What do you suppose will happen next?” or “What do you think he or she learned from this experience? Enabling children to openly express opinions that might differ from adults or to focus on someone else’s behaviour rather than their own, means a child has no need to be defensive and is able to consider life- principles of right and wrong. By reaching out and helping create a dialogue on the big questions in life, hopefully we will become trusted confidants, with whom a grandchild can chew the cud over matters that may occupy their young minds as diverse as “Why dogs chase cats” to “How come God isn’t married?”

Our littlest grandsons each have their own magic. Noah, who as a toddler won everyone’s heart with his gorgeous gentle spirit and love of music; who before he could speak, did sign language and loved to spend hours playing in our car. This child sparkles with delight when, as a family, we hold hands and do the hokey tokey, and at three, asks you what was the best bit in your day. I hope when he is a teenager that he will tell us about the music he enjoys and explain to us why. And then the baby, just one-year-old who squeals with delight at all the boy physical games and loves nothing more than to climb anything the moment someone’s back is turned.

Finally when thinking about the special role we have as grandparents, I’m reminded of an essay, supposedly written by a seven-year-old girl, called ‘What is a Grandmother?’ She includes such profound observations as, “Grandmothers don’t talk baby talk like visitors do because it is hard to understand…. When they read to us they don’t skip or mind if it is the same story over again.” She concludes with the line, “Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown-ups that have time.”

Article sourced with permission from Parenting magazine, Parents Inc.

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