Have you ever felt out of control?

New babies can be a challenge to our skills and emotional resources
Jenny Hale

Once upon a time new parents were connected to their parents, sisters and brothers, aunties and uncles, plunket nurses and wise old women. When you had a child you were surrounded with help, advice and loving wisdom. Yes, some of it was bossy help where you were told to do something without being given reasons, or the dignity of using your own intuition. But on the whole, you were knit into a group of support that kept you and your loved ones safe and sound.

But things have changed. It is often very different now. Lots of us have our first baby before weve even held a newborn or changed a nappy. We are not accustomed to crying babies or willful children and we lack a frame of reference for what to do in difficult situations. Our own mums and dads may be unavailable through distance or employment and our contacts with more experienced help may not be strong.

All these factors sometimes put us in the unhealthy position of emotional isolation. And this isnt good when we are raising kids. When weve been through a rough patch and are lacking sleep and support, it can sometimes simply take a crying, unsettled baby or a whining toddler to push us over the edge.

When my children were babies, my grandmother would often say to me I just dont know how anyone could hurt a little one like this. I used to agree with her because I was fortunate enough to have some very substantial support systems in place. I enjoyed a close relationship with my husband, my parents and a few available friends. The budget was tight, but we were okay. We had a house to live in and although I didnt have a car, I was close to the shops, plunket, doctor and library.

However, I do remember getting extremely wound up by a 6-month-old baby who would not sleep for long and could cry for ages. And I remember not knowing what to do next because I had tried everything I knew several times over.

My own experience opened my eyes to the fact that we all have a breaking point. Working with parents over the last ten years has helped me to see that it is not so difficult to lose it with your child. I can see how any of us, given the right circumstances, combined with stress and exhaustion could lose control. It has come as a shock to many parents when they have found themselves so frustrated and angry with their child, that they know they are not in control. In a situation where we have tried everything we know and none of it has worked, when we are at the end of our resources and have exhausted all the possibilities of what to do to settle this baby it is frightening.

Many mums identify with the scenario of pushing or grabbing their child too roughly. It is frightening how easy it is. Fortunately, most of us can cognate that we need to separate this child from us before we do them more harm. It is not usually our compliant children who bring it out in us but our strong-willed, persistent, whining or fighting children.

You may not always see pressure building, but it sometimes just needs a few of the items on this list to join hands to leave you feeling vulnerable.

Sleep deprivation, unhappy relationships, poor health, lack of positive adult company, perfectionism, set ideas, limited finance, ignorance, a parenting formula not working, feeling low or depressed.Two or three of these may be all thats needed to push us into doing something to a baby or toddler that we would regret. And not too many of us want to admit that is something we have the potential to do.

In addressing this issue, I believe we need to first and foremost value parenting. Raising children is the most important, challenging and rewarding job you can do. But you cant and were never meant to do it on your own.

Looking after yourself is so important. A happy mother, rubs off on her child. The smile on your face will make your child feel good about him or herself.

A dream list for mums of babies

A sense of value for you as a mum believing in yourself and how important the job of a mother is.
A mentor or friend who has been through some challenges and can pass on her wisdom, not her judgment.
Freedom to ask for help earlier rather than later.
The company of other parents in a positive environment.
Having a rehearsed plan of what to do in a situation where you knew your control was slipping
An understanding of feeding and sleeping routines that are flexible but give you some direction.
Maybe attending a parenting course, where you will meet others and learn strategies and skills.
A close relationship with someone equally committed to you and to the baby.

If you feel vulnerable talk to your husband, a relative, friend or midwife and try to put some of these supports in place.

For some parents feeling out of control may not be an issue. But if you are one who has felt like hitting, shaking or pushing your child you are in company with many others.

Every parent needs help, support and encouragement. You are not a bad person if you get stressed, but you do need to leave your child in the cot and walk away until you have calmed down, spoken to someone or got some sleep. This time will pass and your hugely significant task of raising children is valuable to the whole community. You deserve the best start possible. Please dont be afraid to ask for support when you need it.

Article sourced with permission from Parenting magazine, Parents Inc.

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